As a result, one Dutch girl said she told her mother immediately after her first intercourse, "because we talk very open[ly] about this. Teens assert independence by breaking rules, rupturing their relationships with parents, separating from the family. We end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: Because the Dutch seem to have it all figured out. They end up either lying to their parents or copping to their behavior but keeping it invisible, outside the home. We are a more diverse nation than Holland, with higher rates of childhood poverty, fewer social welfare guarantees and more social conservatives. More than that, though, there was a stark difference in how their parents approached those topics. Perhaps, though, we can move a little of the Netherlands here.
Move to the Netherlands. By the s, when Americans were shoveling millions into the maw of useless abstinence-only education, Dutch teachers and parents were busy discussing the positive aspects of sex and relationships, as well as anatomy, reproduction, disease prevention, contraception and abortion. The Dutch actively discourage promiscuity in their children, teaching that sex should emerge from a loving relationship. They reported more comfort with their bodies and their desires than the Americans and were more in touch with their own pleasure. We end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: Because the Dutch seem to have it all figured out. It's not just about sex, though. Consider a study comparing the early sexual experiences of randomly chosen American and Dutch women at two similar colleges — nearly all white, all middle class, with similar religious backgrounds. While we in the United States have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world, they have among the lowest. Perhaps, though, we can move a little of the Netherlands here. And you can't really argue with the results. When a Dutch national poll found that most teenagers still believed that boys should be the more active partner during sex, the government added "interaction" skills to its sex ed curricula, such as how to let "the other person know exactly what feels good" and how to set boundaries. Their government made pelvic exams, birth control and abortion free to anyone under 22, with no requirements for parental consent. Schalet said that girls particularly suffer, wrestling with the incompatibility of remaining a "good daughter" while becoming sexually active. The Dutch girls said that teachers and doctors had talked candidly to them about sex, pleasure and the importance of a loving relationship. An American sex educator named Charis Denison, for instance, told me that roughly half the questions she fields from students about parents involve how to get contraception or testing for sexually transmitted diseases without Mom and Dad finding out; the other half are on how to bring up sensitive issues so they will actually listen. The American girls had become sexually active at a younger age than the Dutch, had had more encounters with more partners and were less likely to use birth control. OK, maybe that's not the most practical advice. Both speak to a rift between teenagers and those who love them most — one that parents more or less create. So, apples to apples. My friend's mother also asked me how it was, if I had an orgasm and if he had one. They end up either lying to their parents or copping to their behavior but keeping it invisible, outside the home. According to Amy Schalet, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, in the late s the Dutch — like Americans — roundly disapproved of premarital sex. According to Schalet, there's a fundamental difference in the countries' conceptions of how teenagers become adults. Dutch teens, on the other hand, remain closely connected to parents, growing up in an atmosphere of gezelligheid, which Schalet translates loosely as "cozy togetherness. Our teen birth rate is eight times higher than theirs, and our teen abortion rate is 1. Op-Ed By Juliet A.
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